Seasons of Mist

The few of you I was very very close to and kept in contact with over the years have known for some time of the gender issues I’ve been dealing with almost literally my whole life. Others of you don’t, but don’t feel bad, you weren’t supposed to — I was trying to make life the work the way it had been, for many many reasons, and not end up making drastic changes. There was no reason for most people to know, and I also was fearful of so many things (including social ridicule and/or disapproval) in the past.

But after years of struggle, therapy, spiritual guidance, and whatever else, trying to make the old ways work, I did reach a point where things had to change or I wasn’t going to be around much longer, so I did the hardest thing I’ve ever done and chose to move ahead with this transition. That choices forced me to confront all the deepest wounds I had in my life finally, the things I could never overcome before, and work through them.

I am still in the middle of that process, and it is the sort of thing that either kills you once and for all, or you survive and finally at long last heal from things — but I’ve been a survivor all my life.

A transition is a transition. My faith changed (and ironically, after disappearing for a bit, grew ultimately stronger and not weaker), I lost some friends and gained others, I am still working through a lot of things with my family as we try to figure out how my changes redefine those relationships; but things have progressed some and I have hopes that in the end we will have stronger commitments to (and communication with) each other than before.

Right now, I’m much happier with the person I am, psychologically and spiritually, and I’m much stronger, socially active, and confident than I was at any time in my past or would have ever become without making the changes I have.

Looking at those results, the choice seems to have been the right one in that sense… but there are still people who are dealing with their own hurts who I hurt for as well and am committed to being there for, as part of working through the issues, so we take life one step at a time.

One of the hardest things has always been that I couldn’t make this decision in isolation and take it all on myself; it automatically impacts people that I love.

Q: When did you start dealing with gender dysphoria?

A: When I was 6 or 7. I only say that because I don’t have many memories from before then, so it could have been ingrained even earlier. By middle school, I had been praying for a long time that I’d wake up female, but of course that never happened; and I was horribly depressed anytime I was in any sort of social gathering. I internalized a great deal and was self-absorbed.

Most of my teen years were just miserable, feeling one way but trying so hard to find happiness with the hand life had dealt me and thinking that maybe I could do that, if I just worked hard enough or rode it out.

Q: So you felt this way throughout school?

A: Yeah. Constantly. That’s why most of my best friends were girls when I had the choice, although there were also a few guy friends I really liked… but they were never the stereotypical guys and I always felt closest, inside, to the girls.

I just didn’t think I have any options at all, except to somehow accept life as it was and hang on. That pretty much can ride as an underlying explanation for my behavior: I was trying to make the best of a bad situation.

Q: What do you think about transkids and some parents letting them change genders at a young age? We are seeing more and more of that. Doesn’t that seem weird?

A: I’m uneasy about it. I know what it’s like to be a kid in that situation; but I also think that kids are still kids, without a lot of life experience to evaluate, and parents need to be their childrens’ guardians. The process is complicated and has many implications; people need to proceed very very carefully.

I think, though, it is extremely important for parents to be turned into their kids and love them, regardless of what decisions get made. Listen to your kids, really hear what they say, and be willing to flex and change as they grow, just like any parent, to do what is best for them at that time.

Q: What about people who are so sure they want to do this, then change their mind later? (Like that sports guy who recently seemed to go back to living as a guy again after 18 months?)

A: It happens. The process is meant to be arduous and challenging, in order to weed out people who think it’s what they want but eventually decide that perhaps it’s not the best solution for them.

The worst problems have come when people have leaped through the process, skipping all the hard work, and then realize they got to a place they didn’t really want to be. Of course, other situations (such as loss of access to one’s kids, or inability to hold down a job, or being cast out of one’s religious culture) can impact one’s desire to move ahead.

I can’t speak for anyone else’s experience or why someone would change their mind, I can only speak for mine. Pretty much on a daily basis, I do ask myself if I would rather go back, and I know that no matter the ups and downs now, going back would only be all downs; it wouldn’t work for me with things as they currently are; it would be like being scrunched back into a tiny, excruciatingly painful box in which I no longer can fit.

Q: You look… well, a lot different now. Are you on hormones? And where’d all your scruff go?

A: Yes, I started in Jan 2008 with an anti-androgen and started estrogen in April 2008. I have experienced many changes in my body (which is a story in itself) but will experience many more before things reach completion.

Hormones don’t impact some things, including skeletal structure and facial hair. To get rid of the hair, I’ve had to go repeated episodes of laser hair removal as well as some hours of electrolysis; I started all that way back in May 2007 and I’ve gotten pretty far along, as you can tell, my face looks remarkably clear even after days of not shaving.

Anything else, you’ll have to swipe my medical records.

Q: Do you actually do that well? Fit in? Or do you get lots of stares? I mean, I remember you from before… and I just have trouble imagining it.

A: As far as I can tell, I’m successfully fitting in — contrary to my earliest fears, since I’m not exactly petite. I had some moments earlier on where I did get an obvious look or two, but I had so many opportunities where I thought I’d be challenged and wasn’t, so that I’m left thinking that I’m actually doing quite well.

Since most people are polite enough not to stare or laugh to themselves until after you walk by and they think you’re not looking, you can’t always be sure whether you’re blending or just being accepted/tolerated.

However, I’ve always used the ladies room when out (whether at the movies, or restaurants, or the Hilton, or wherever else) without getting challenged by anyone, and people who carded me when I was out as Jen (which forced me to show them my male driver’s license) often did double-takes. I’ve been hit on by guys on the street and at stop lights (which both flattered me and freaked me out — talk about having no clue how to respond, since it’s all new to me).

And I even once had the pleasure of being solicited in person by anti-trans people trying to get me to vote against trans people being allowed to use bathrooms of our preferred gender(s)…

…so despite my own [sometimes intense] anxiety, I’m thinking I must be doing darn good. (Best guess.)

(March 2009: I had an impromptu consult with the head facial feminization surgeon in the country, and he started off by saying I was already gorgeous and he wouldn’t have recognized my background if I hadn’t met him at a trans conference…. and he works with trans people regularly. He said my face, my manner, my voice, and my style were really good, regardless of my height. It was easier for me to discount other people’s opinions, but I figure his counts for more… so I guess I just need to get over my anxiety, sigh.)

Q: Do you live full-time legally as a woman?

A: No, not quite yet. I am living full-time as Jennifer, work and all, since February 15, 2009. Harrisburg city is progressive, and my workplace is actually very supportive policy-wise, and the people in Human Resources are personally and professionally supportive.

It was unfortunate that court scheduling ended up bumping my legal name change into late April 2009, but meanwhile I’m doing quite fine without everything being lined up — living what is becoming a rather mundane female life, whether buying groceries or seeing friends or going to church or whatever. Financial issues and concern for my kids’ well-being kept me from transitioning fully earlier, and although we talk on the phone regularly, right now we’re still working through this gray area until hopefully they feel comfortable enough to see me again.

Q: Do you like guys or girls, or both, or maybe even trees or something else equally bizarre?

A: The conventional wisdom is “sexual preference is between your legs, gender identity is between your ears.” I think that’s a bit simplistic, but the gist is right.

However, I’m more worried about who I am, not who I am attracted to, nor see the need to discuss it openly. In any case, sexual preference really has nothing to do with my gender issues, so I’ll duck out of this one. (Quack.)

Q: Did you go flaming Democratic or are you still a card-carrying Republican?

A: I am a moderate. That means I’ll vote for whoever I think will do the best job regardless of party. (Or at least whoever might provide the best fashion statement for the next four years…. not.)

Q: Well….. do you think SpongeBob and Patrick are just happy and weird, or are they actually ga –

A: Oh give it a rest! (or use your i-mag-i-NAY-tion!)

Q: What about carrots?

A: *bewildered*

Q: How did various members of your family and extended family take everything?

A: Out of respect for them, I don’t want to discuss it in this FAQ, although I know I’ve described some responses along the way in my blog.

Obviously such a change is very very difficult for some, especially because it can throw doubt on the shared past and uncertainty about what others things could change, and especially when people’s religious beliefs clash with a decision like this.

And if there were any rough areas of the relationship, well, this sort of change can only exacerbate the previously existing problems.

In any case, this is just the sort of change that takes time to work through for many, and while I’ve had decades to consider things inside, other people are starting way back near Stage #1. As hard as everything has been for me for many many years, I have had to learn and practice a lot of compassion and patience for others who are trying to adjust to this. There has to be a lot of give and take on both ends.

I have found in general that the less personally invested in my life and past someone happens to be, the easier it is for them to be supportive of my change. The more investment someone has made in me, the more attachment they have to the way things were, and the less happy they are about the prospect of things changing. That seems to just be the hard reality of it.

Q: What about God? How did that impact your choices?

A: When I was younger, I was raised in more 70’s/80’s evangelical “Moral Majority” mindset. I always struggled with that inside, but I didn’t want to disappoint people in my life (and potentially lose them), I wanted to avoid conflict, and frankly it WAS burned into me a large degree. I assumed my feelings were evil and something to be reviled.

So I did that … and was torn apart for years and years over it.

I’ve always been a spiritual seeker, I got saved at age five, I was a voracious Bible reader and informal theological student trying to “understand it all,” and always looking for deeper spiritual meaning. I’ve been through my periods of existential angst, I’ve been very critical of and disillusioned by the world and the church and even myself.

‘ve pushed myself hard to challenge my own ideas and become a better person at any given time. I am also interested in people’s motivations and potential for growth and positive change.

I didn’t transition in the 90’s because I felt that God had told me to “stay.” This time I felt like God pulled back in order to teach me how to make decisions based on the person he had made me into, instead of being a robot; and my faith became very different, more peaceful, less need for validation, and more able to give to others. I remember the day I stopped feeling shame over being trans (August 15, 2007), regardless of where I ended up; there was no condemnation in God for me, it just was what it was and I had to find a way to deal with it and honor him in how I treated others.

God’s still a foundational part of my life. One thing that hurts is constantly feeling judged by well-meaning family and friends from my earlier years who are still steeped in the older traditions, who can’t accept that my faith is real despite disagreement on some points with theirs. But I’ve also met Christians from all denominations and regions who know my heart and see the faith there and accept me. So I have to just let God sort it out.

Q: What about your kids? Do you think it is fair to them to be in this situation? There are lots of issues there and things they’ll have to deal with…

I tried to write a general response to this and failed miserably, but sometimes words come out when I’m not working them so hard. The letter I sent to a friend in response to some of their comments probably sum things up the best:

I appreciate you being willing to state your mind even if you thought I might not be amenable to hearing it. I have certainly heard it a number of times from other people before.

At first it used to upset me because I was shocked at being judged by people who I thought knew me better, but then I just realized [transition] is a big thing, and something most people aren’t really cognizant of, and how many of your concerns are concerns I share as well, so I try very hard to be considerate and sympathetic.

Your reasoning is essentially the reason I tried any and all other solutions I had in order to resolve my situation in a way that did not negatively have the potential to impact my children. I have been struggling with this from my earliest memories, and I chose -not- to follow this route back in the mid-90’s when I first had the option to do so. It’s been 11-12 years since that point where I placed everyone in my life ahead of myself and said, “If there is another way, then I will find it… so that no one else but myself has to suffer.”

I think that one thing people without much awareness of my situation don’t get is that the options are different than what they imagine. Idealistically, I could somehow be “fixed” or I could somehow find contentment in some non-disruptive way, or somehow there would be other alternatives that I could follow… that it’s just some “choice” that you can suffer through out of duty or responsibility.

That is what I thought too, early in my life.
So I tried to do that.

It didn’t work. Eventually things got to the point — after countless therapies, religious counsels, research, friend support, and whatever else — where my anti-depressants no longer did a thing, I was completely depressed for months/years, I was utterly withdrawn from my children and marriage, and essentially numb and dead to life no matter how hard I tried to not be. Life sucked, not just for me but for my family. Therapy fixed many of my issues; but the same therapy could not touch this… because I realized eventually it’s not that sort of therapy issue.

My life from 2005 to early 2007 is one black smear; I really cannot remember any details of it, the depression was that bad. And for a period of about nine months, I finally reached a point where I was suicidal nightly, staying up until 1am or later by myself and looking out into the dark and having to fight NOT to kill myself by taking all my sleeping pills. It was bad. Very bad.

In March 2007, I finally started cutting myself… shallowly at first, but it was getting worse.That was the end, for me, where I finally saw where it was going.

To whit: My kids did not have the option between having a dad or another mom, as you are seemingly thinking. Their options, I realized at that point, were between having a parental figure who actively loves and engages them or having a dead parent who is completely inaccessible… gender aside.

I doubt you can understand that unless you have been there. Either you accept that or you do not, and some people have trouble really accepting it. I can’t force anyone to accept anything.

But you know me, and how much I think through things, and how I’ve been ultra-responsible all my life, and how I empathize with everyone else, and how I always gave and gave and gave. The part that has hurt the worst through this has not been my pain, but at the thought that I felt I had to make decisions that would cause pain to people I loved and were responsible for.

It took my a lifetime of working through my issues as well as 12 years of trying to do things in a less severe way before I realized what my real options were. I honestly know if I did not do this, I’d be dead, and my kids would blame themselves; in the end, they are better off with me being both alive AND loving life, rather than not there at all.

(And despite my griping, my life IS much better: People at work are amazed at how much more engaging I am, and I no longer need antidepressants. I think the most succinct description I have: Before all this, no matter how good life was and no matter who I knew loved me, life was still not worth living; now, no matter how bad life can get at times, I don’t really question the point of being alive. I finally know why people want to live… just because they’re alive.)

I see my kids whenever I can, I left the house in March (which I didn’t want to do) because they and Rose preferred some distance from me while my body was changing (although months later they ironically claim to not really notice anything), I am going financially into debt so that they can be provided for, and I’m still fulfilling any obligations I can for them even when it’s inconvenient.

It’s not easy, it won’t be easy, it’s not perhaps what everyone preferred or would take if they could choose; but that’s just life, and we’re going to have to work through it as we go. I’ve seen families work through far worse. We’ll find a way.

I hope this made some sense to you and that we can still be friends on some level, even if you disagree with the choices I’ve made. It’s not as if you’re in unique company.

I do always appreciate people who are concerned about my children, since to me that is one of the most important concerns of my life as well… so thank you.