I’m looking to “plug into” something but I have never been more positioned than to just go into the world and be myself and create my own life rather than just plugging into standardized groups. Maybe I really need to trust the process that has shaped and is shaping me and continue to walk the road rather than rushing back into a “safe” spot.

… just thinking out loud, sigh.

Sermons, yes, are boring. Listening to lectures was never my favorite learning input mode. I zone out. I don’t have the attention span.

As far as “apart and different” goes, yeah, you’re right. Even after ten years of being mostly-stealth, I STILL have to, once in a blue moon, come out or worry about being outed. I think it was on Andrea James’ website where I first read, “Transition is never easy. And it is never, ever, over.” And there is truth to that, far more than I often wish were the case.

Though it’s exhausting and exasperating, do continue your search. You will, eventually, find a church that accepts you where you are and meets the needs you need to have met. I think you’ll find that within most denominations, there will be plenty of diversity, in worship style and music, from church to church, and you can find something appropriate for you.

yeah, I know I could do okay with many of them.
You know what, though? It’s about the music and the feel of the service.

I’ve so far attended a Presbyterian and a UCC denom church and… they’re just dead to me. I’m bored to tears. There’s no connection I can feel for myself there. It’s the music and the worship style, I don’t connect with it.

I’m an evocative person. Many of those denoms are just too structured/intellectualized for me and thus detached from the in-the-moment experience of the divine, they’re more reflective and mental in their approach. It’s hilarious to me that, while I am primarily intellectual, my aesthetic and emotional self is looking for something that is typically only offered at a pentecostal or [some branches of] evangelical-style or potentially the Emergent church. I think I gave up on theology a long time ago at church, even the church I was at for the 9-10 years before transition was a place where I ministered but where the sermons bored me to tears despite my appreciation of the pastor’s intellect. My spiritual growth in terms of theology has pretty much always had to be self-directed.

“It probably helps that my own theology is pretty simple – be nice to everybody.”

Lol, isn’t that weird? That is probably how I would sum up my beliefs too: Love God, love others as you would love yourself. I’m so intellectually complex… but I’ve progressed from an overcomplicated and detached theology to one that is very simple and very personal. That’s why all these theological arguments over my life have really upset me and just turned me off… In the end, the “proof in the pudding” is a changed life, not necessarily whether you feel you got 100% on your theology essay question, all of that stuff seems divorced from the actual reality of a divorced redeemed human being. While people argue about Bible interpretation, they often end up treating others in ways that I think are antithetical to the very doctrines they claim to have so exquisitely parsed.

Sigh. I just don’t even know where to start. And now, despite so many changes and ‘being on the right side of the fence’ in many ways, I still feel “apart and different” than others. The transition experience alone, while integrating me fully into being myself, is such a unique experience that it both integrates AND makes the gulf even wider.

*hug*

Oddly, I’ve found that in the Catholic church I’m in, being selective in being out, I’ve done well and have lots of support. To some, I’m only “halfway out,” meaning they know I have a wife, but not the T stuff. To others, I’m fully out and they know the whole story. So far, I’ve had nothing but acceptance and support. I’m well aware that someone important and intolerant might find out the whole story and I’d no longer be welcome there. But until then, I have a place to be useful.

I think my biggest success in being in churches comes from, oddly, not being there for the theology. I’m there primarily for the people. It probably helps that my own theology is pretty simple – be nice to everybody. It means I don’t get into big theological discussions, which simplifies relationships too. Those that require I get into deep theological discussions, or that I don’t like, I avoid. They probably don’t like me either. They avoid me. That’s fine. If the whole church were to get their hackles up over me, I’d just shake the dust from my sandals.
So I guess I do what you do naturally – interact mostly one-on-one. And it can work in a group setting.

I don’t know that being conventional would be a plus or a minus. We’re just not “fit in with most of the crowd” people. That’s okay. I tend to gravitate toward other non-FIWMOTC people, wherever I may find them. And no, I don’t feel shame even in the midst of rejection. Their loss. With transition ten years ago and the fact that the majority of my interactions are fine, the people that might have a problem, honestly, are the ones with the problem.

In some ways, no, you can’t go back. But in other ways, you can. You can be you now. Churchwise, you may be searching for a while, but you will eventually settle in somewhere, for some length of time. I’ve also found that by being involved in others’ lives, I’ve gotten support from those I would not have expected. And they have come to my support when I’ve needed them to, just as I have for them.

I love feeling everything, it’s wonderful… but yes, you can feel pain a lot more easily along with the pleasurable stuff.

lol… that’s good about the Rat Race kid, his tongue was looking a li’l green.

And I didn’t sound like the kid from Rat Race.. I sounded different, but not nearly that bad.

I’m in a weird stage — 40 going on 21. There are a lot of options I closed off to myself earlier on that now I’m free to explore, it’s just that most people my age get those out of their system when younger.

Glad you have a high pain tolerance.
Mine used to be far higher, but the hormones really took me for a loop.
I feel EVERYTHING. My skin is keyed up and waiting to be stimulated, it seems.

I was joking about getting a tongue piercing, except it kept making me think of the kid in Rat Race. (uggh!)

and to the cost of your belly button: the 60 is about normal. My tongue was supposed to be 70 (got it for 10 because of a special), The eyebrow I want is 55, and I didn’t even ask about my lip..

Yeah.. I’m 19, and I enjoy piercings

They fixed all this crap in June, they got rid of D as the account holder and inserted Jennifer as the main account holder.

They still never explained what they did in their computer system that screwed this up… loading a backup or running some batch process that apparently was not written as tightly as it needed to be. That’s what’s funny… it’s like “POOF your name changed back all on its own!”

Anyway, “Woman’s Roar” fixed the issue. This time. Sigh.