I finally dragged myself outside around 6pm last evening and walked down to the Music Fest. I was texting Nic (we haven’t done that for awhile) back and forth, so it was nice to hear from her.

The Music Fest, due to weather and the time (a Friday night), wasn’t as packed as these things normally get. Which was actually nice, I hate the crowds. The music coming in was some jazz/rock band, and there are 5-6 stages along the river so you can walk the whole way through and listen to whatever you want. All the food vendors were set up, and there was also a dress/jewelry/pocketbook vendor set up at the beginning too.

I didn’t recognize anyone I knew last night, even walking up and down. There was a games and rides area; I remember the goldfish toss from last year when Pink won one and made us lug it around.

It was pretty windy and I had to tie my hair back, and even then it was getting in my eyes. It was very nice out — not quite cold but definitely brisk.

I didn’t want to buy dinner but did want a snack, so I decided to get a funnel cake and decided on one with bavarian cream. (You know, I hate the way people butt in line, I know for sure that some people were NOT in line and it was clear they were not but just didn’t even bother looking for a line… but oh well, such is life.) That all went well and good until the guy brought it over to me — and then asked if I was for me or to be shared.

A few thoughts ran through my mind (typical — ambivaJence is back in full force!):

• Holy hell that’s a lot of funnel cake for one girl!
• He’s gonna think I’m a pig, and I’m gonna get fat(ter).
• I always DID share… with my kids.
• It sucks to be alone.
• It’s inappropriate to offer any of these answers, just say “share”!

He saw my indecision and made the decision for me, giving me two forks, and I thanked him and found my way to a spot out of eyesight where I sat and ate it by myself on the edge of the hill, looking out over the water. It didn’t taste as good after the first few bites, although it was still good. I just palpably felt the absence of others and wished I wasn’t alone.

Love is always having someone to eat your funnel cake with.

I got up eventually, walked around some more, then started walking back. At the very first stage, a hip-hop/jazz group came on (keyboards, drums, bass, and sax), sort of like the instrumental music they play on 92.7 around here, and I hung out standing in the back (there were barely any seats, and most people brought their own chairs … I guess I need to buy one now). The hefty black chick in front of me with her boyfriend was really digging the music, getting into it, and I was too… swaying, keeping beat with my heel and hands, just feeling things. They did a nice piece that showcased all the members nicely, it was cool to hear the capabilities of  the different instruments, and the whole thing opened up like a tapestry in my mind — I could hear the whole sound but also simultaneously hear all the separate pieces and what they were contributing.

 I hung out for a few songs, then I got tired of standing and the songs started to sound similar — and they were really musicians, not necessarily entertainers, the sax guy doing the leading wasn’t so great with knowing what to say – so I decided to head back.

The night had gotten crisper and it was now around 9:30pm, so it was dark, ALMOST black, but there was a full moon and the water was shades of black mixed with the deepest blue you can almost lose yourself in, with the white glimmers of froth still showing on the surface.

Crossed the dual lanes of Forster and an older husband and wife flagged me down in their convertable, they wanted to know if fireworks were tonight… and I told them that according to the posted schedule I had seen earlier, it was just Sat and Sun this year, smiled and said I was bummed they came all the way in, they were very pleasant.

I got further up , maybe around Reilly, and decided to just sit in the dark and look over the water. There were little clumps of people about every 30-40 feet or so, sitting… I thought enjoying the night. It was very brisk now, a nice healthy breeze pumping off the water and it tends to be cold coming across all the open space… but despite being in t-shirt and shorts, I was okay. It just felt more like mid-September than early July.

I could have sat there all night. I just wish I could have had an arm around someone or an arm around me. Good things are great but even better if you have someone to share them with.

I’m tired of being alone, ya know?
And I don’t see any short-term change to that, I’m going to spending a lot of my time by myself; even my friends have other commitments much of the time.
Funny how I used to love solitude and just getting away from others imposing on me… and now I don’t.

The moon was nearing fullness, just beautiful above. I wished I could just fly up in the wide open darkness with the stars and the moon, everything so crisp and clear, and just lose myself in the space and forget everything else… lose all this sense of loss and let myself go.

Further UP the river, way past Maclay, maybe up near Division, someone had bought a mortar and was shooting fireworks out from the shore to right above the water. A few Wile E. Coyotesque missteps there that left me wincing, where the mortar barely cleared the shoreline and most of the flames landing right in the water, but at least there were fireworks… every 45 seconds or so. I hoped the police didn’t show up, it’s the Fourth of July and they weren’t harming anyone… and it was a bit inspiring.

Got up to walk back eventually and some older woman coming towards me in a raincoat said something as she neared.

“Excuse me?”

“You’re giving up too, huh? It doesn’t look like the fireworks are happening.”

She had friends here from New Hampshire who missed the LAST set of fireworks, half a year ago. I told her the sad news — looked like the fireworks were Sat and Sun. At least they were around another night, so maybe on the Fourth they’d see them. I walked back up to her friends with her and kept going when she paused to tell them, “She says that the fireworks aren’t happening tonight…” and turned and waved goodbye to her while I was walking.

That’s why other people were out, I realized. I felt bad for the moms with kids, since it was chilly AND late now… and so when I met the eyes of a mom out with her friend and her little boy, I let her know the deal too. Turns out the news had reported that evening there were three nights of fireworks; I guess they were wrong.

I guess I fit in okay, even feeling as bad as I do about myself recently. And I got to play Paul Revere, spreading my news up the coastline… I just need to ride this out.

After eating a sandwich, I watched Forensic Files and then part of Shocking TV Chases on True, and after watching someone actually die on the footage (the guy crashed his large red suburban-style vehicle traveling 110mph by clipping someone and doing a barrel roll across four lanes of highway, getting thrown out the window in the middle of it — and why was he running from the cops? Because he passed a forged check… ugggh!), I headed upstairs to put an end to that night.

Two more days at least of weekend left.