The phone went off at 8:30am, blaring strains of Austin Powers dance music jolting me out of my dreams, and I dragged myself out of bed to look at the caller. A? Again? She called me yesterday at 8am!

I’m not in my 60’s and dating an 80-year-old guy, going to bed at 8pm and getting up at 5am, I sleep like a teenager now and don’t get up until late morning if I have the day off… doh!

I went to the bathroom and dropped back in bed. Dammit. I was actually dreaming… and my father was in it. And he actually came to some event I was at, and was actually nice to me, and we were talking, and…

… oh futz, gone forever.

Why am I dreaming about him anyway? That whole situation is hopeless. Apparently I wish it wasn’t… but wishing doesn’t make anything change. I don’t have a fairy godmother or a cricket on my shoulder to make magical things happen.  The world is what it is, and people are who they are, and they choose to change or they don’t.

I went back to bed and woke up at noon. I must have been tired.

Here I am, July 4th… and alone in my apartment and unless I make something happen, I’ll be here by myself all day. Why the hell can I not get off this depressive kick? I just feel lost much of the time.

Basically my big-picture sense is killing me. I am unsure of my long-term goals right now or what to apply myself to… and I know that nothing will change unless I have a goal, I’ll be in the same spot a year from now, and five years, and…. so it goes. (And any goal, like surgery, I have, I have no idea how to get the money. None whatsoever. Again, stymied.) The only way to survive this right now is just to find pleasure in the day, but my skill at that has always been sporadic even if improving.

I made myself burgers for lunch, here inside the house; they were okay. I forgot to open the pickels I bought a week ago just for today, futz. Oh well.

Michelle wrote earlier and told me just to do stuff that I wanted to get done — cleaning, rearranging, whatever — that now I had time to do, and not worry about no one being around, and she’s right… but part of my frustrating is that I can’t even figure out what to do. My brain literally goes in circles now, I can’t seem to prioritize or organize ANY task. And I feel pathetic because of it, why can’t I get this to work right now? It should be easy, it’s all tangible stuff… but I’m overwhelmed. I just need someone else to do it with me, work through it together, help steer, and I’d be fine; I just can barely wash dishes and do laundry right now as it is, honestly, and I do those days late.

In mid-afternoon, I watched part of Man vs Cartoon, a sort of goofy knockoff of Mythbusters except they’re trying to emulate all the Wile E Coyote cartoons … safely and more effectively. THe premise isn’t bad, but they really don’t have anyone with star power that grabs you, they’re all sort of low-key not really memorable people… and I guess that’s typical in the engineering fields, you’re going to get a bunch of low-key risk-managing types, not like Jamie or Adam. I did get to see rocket powered skates, and I got to see a nice plastic explosive bomb go off… but the gimmicks were a bit old, and the most valuable thing the show inspired was just a desire to go on You Tube and watch Roadrunner cartoons all afternoon. (Although I didn’t.)

Morgan called to see how I was. I told her I’m just still bummed about the family thing — usually on holidays I didn’t have to think, I would just spend the day with them, and was totally accepted, but now I’m not – and about how now I sense I wouldn’t want to go back even if the unbelievable happened and my wife’s premonitions were true. I feel like I was betrayed and I just don’t want to build a deeper relationship with them even if I was a guy; every time I’d see them, I’d feel like they only wanted part of me. When I needed them, they couldn’t or wouldn’t be here for me… and that’s the bottom line: People can betray you, and you can forgive them and not even try to hold bitterness, and maybe what you were asking of them was simply too much for them to give at the time… but the betrayal doesn’t go away; just because the adulterous spouse returns doesn’t mean you can be intimate again, ever, even if you forgive. I think that part of my life is over regardless.

Family holidays suck for that very reason. If I don’t plan carefully ahead, I’ll be adrift and alone. Everyone else has family, especially people my age; and they’ve got other obligations and someone to be with. I’m still typing in my blog at 5pm on July 4.

I’ll leave in a few minutes. I have no idea what to do, where to go, or when to be where… but I’ll make something happen. It just sucks. Even when I go out… I’m still by myself, and i get to watch zillions of other people doing things with the people they love. So even when it’s good, it ain’t so hot. Sigh.

One day at a time. Get lost in the beauty of it all. Gotta get out.

I’ll say this July 4th is better than last year. I was still living as a male, and I wanted to so badly see the fireworks… and I got dressed… and then I just got so scared I turned around and went to my apartment and watched what I could just barely see over the tall fence. Because I was alone. I just was scared of going down and having people laugh at me or recognize me and think I was weird or reprehensible.

Tonight that is no issue. I’m going to see fireworks, and it doesn’t even matter if I’m alone or not. And I’ll enjoy them. I’m finally free to move through the world at least. Just sucks doing it alone.